BBC STEPS UP URGE TO COMMIT SUICIDE

It’s an economic upturn, credit rich world in the UPSR. No credit problems here, so bugger off BBC News.

The BBC has re-doubled it’s efforts this week to motivate vulnerable members of the British population to commit suicide with it’s repetitive insertion of words and phrases such as credit crunch, recession, down-turn, housing market collapse, unemployment, redundancy, did we say credit crunch, negative equity, shrinking economy, did we say credit crunch, and depression into their news bulletins.

The BBC is currently working in conjunction with the mainland UK government to reduce the unemployment figures as part of it’s licence commitments.

DECEMBER ILLUMINATIONS

The UPSR will be lighting more bulbs than usual around December 25th 2008 seemingly in an attempt to annoy people.

We are still working out what to call them in order to offend the maximum amount of folk and have come up with ‘Christmas Lights’.

If you can think of anything more offensive to anyone for any reason please let us know.

UNITED AIRLINES CALLS SHINFIELD (ALLEGEDLY)

UPSR Radio Free Shinfield (allegedly) received an unexpected radio transmission from a United Airlines 777 pilot (allegedly) on Sunday (allegedly) requesting permission to land on Cutbush Lane (allegedly).

Fortunately the technician receiving the call was familiar with pissed up airline pilots (allegedly) who he told to turn right at the Black Boy (allegedly) and follow the M4 for seven junctions where he’d find an airport (really).

BARACK OBAMA – THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR

The Government of the UPSR would like to offer a hand of friendship to the new President of the United States of America, Barack Obama.

Despite concerns that he is a little melanin challenged to be voted in by a predominantly red necked, white faced mid western workforce, Barack has our vote and we hope he enjoys our gift of a copy of ‘Our Village’ by Mary Mitford, a small plastic statue of Arthur Wellesley and a For Sale property spec pertaining to Fourwinds.

NO ESKIMO ACCOUNTS HELD BY UPSR

The UPSR Government has released a statement to the media confirming it had no money languishing in high risk polar bear killers banks.

The failed mainland UK Labour government has confirmed that all monkey councils that have lost shit loads of Tax Payers money in Inuit banks and did so after taking expert financial advice, will be given loads more Tax Payers money to reline their slush funds.

Tax Payers who have lost their own money in high riskii shark eaters banks regardless of whether they took any advice or not, will not be compensated.

Tax Payers who did not have sufficient surplus capital to put into high risk Eskimo banks or who did and took expert financial advise telling them to avoid dodgy Inuit bankers but have nevertheless had their money given to the local councils who did, will be fined should they miss a Council Tax payment as usual.

FREE SHINFILED RADIO – 85.8 FM – DAB FOUR

Maggie ‘The top of Coombe Gibbet’ Philnips will be supplying travel news every morning on the ‘Wacky Breakfast with Wolfie Show’ from Monday 20.10.2008. Real time reports on the Basingstoke Road queue, the Black Boy roundabout queue, the Swallowfield bypass queue and the McDonalds Reading Retail Park drive-thru queue will be broadcast every seven minutes.

So if you see an odd shape coming towards you and hear a constant drone, look up and wave to our unmanned flying eye trafficam ‘The Mitford Messhersmidt sponsored by N H Jackson Property Maintenance where estimates and advice are given free.

Later in the day we’ll be introducing a host of new interactive shows including needlework master class with Beryl ‘bobbin’ Steedman, Britain’s best views with Neil, the live mime workshop with wookie, the google map hour and spotting wildlife with Roger ‘eye-eye’ Reeves.

THE USELESS BEATLE SPEAKS

The lucky useless one from the Beatles has spoken - piss off, peace and love, peace and love, Ring-piece Starr hates fans and has threatened the sad losers whom still mistakenly think he ever had any talent with peace and love not to send him anything or try to contact him ever again.

Ring-piece Starr has complained that answering the current flow of mail is taking more than three minutes a day which is time he could be spending recording another Oxfam charity shop dump basket classic – that’s easily accomplished – go to the real Beatles’ drummer site.

BRITAIN IS NOW FRENCH

Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey company Electricité de France currently sponsors the English rugby team. Is this an ironic joke by EDF or by the English Rugby Team?

English Water Companies – owned by the French (see Churchill’s speeches)
English Electricity Companies – owned by the French
English Waste Management – run by the French
English Rugby Team – funded by the French
English Nuclear Industry – owned by the French
English Cinemas – I think they’re French too

Soon we’ll be getting our utility bills written in French with a note – learn it fast roast beef – it’s the new world language – fortunately I speak, write and read French tres bon but that’s neither ici nor there.

I was saying to my wife Marie Claire last night over a croque monsieur that enough’s enough; where will it all finis I wonder?

BAILING OUT BRITAIN

The Government of the UPSR were called to 10 Downing Street on the mainland this week for a meeting with ex Prime Minister in waiting Gordon Braun to discuss the credit crunch.

Gordon Braun asked the UPSR for assurances of a financial bail-out when Britain is declared bankrupt w/c 20.10.2008 following the collapse of the world pencil market on Wednesday in which Britain controls more then 2.7 per cent.

The UPSR Government is in disagreement with the mainland’s view that the pencil manufacturing industry should be sold to Santander for 89 pence along with the UK’s financial sector.

The Russians have complained to the United Nations that the rest of the world is now more socialist than they are and it was their idea first.

BRITAIN’S MUGGERS CALL FOR HELP

Britain’s footpads have en mass called for extra Income Support from the DWP blaming the credit crunch as the reason for their hardships.

“With people having less money in their trackies (clothing item similar to track suit bottoms worn by sports-people), we is (are) earning nothing like (the amount) what (that) we used to” said spokesperson Tyler ‘Mac’ D Snuggie Danger (Sebastian Wilkins). “To get the same amount of dosh we (have) got to do (mug) more public (members of the) which in macro economic (Bacardi Breezer money) terms means we is (are) on less per man hour than in oh six (2008)”.

The Benefits Agency has responded to Government calls for parity in defining footpads as being ‘in ‘trick’ poverty’ and victims of the credit crunch through no fault of their own and have backed proposals to guarantee the Suspended Sentence if caught in the act of work (mugging someone) (unless death of victim follows within one year and a day) and agreed to the idea of raising Income Support by 40% for all footpads, highwaypersons and dealers claiming Unemployment Benefit.

“A lot of these poor people, a few of whom were born in this country have no choice but to subsidise their meagre incomes by dealing in skunk, brown and crystal meth and no-one should be forced by society to do that” commented Mrs Sky Igancious-Kosslerovich of the criminal rights and protection group ‘Criminals are the Real Victims’.

“We live in a caring country and PARs (Personal Asset Relievers (muggers)) have the same rights and access to British benefits as anyone else”.

AVIATOR LANDED IN SHINFIELD (POSSIBLY)

The Shinfield Tribune can reveal that a rambler walking his dog on Brookers Hill two weeks ago last Wednesday discovered fourteen million Dollars, five billion Krona, eleven million Euros, seven Irish Punt, an empty corned beef tin, a map of the Sahara desert, a Virgin Atlantic First Class ticket to London, a Volvic bottle full of urine, a pair of Rayban Aviators, an empty jerry can, a deployed parachute and a badly damaged Mastercard in the name of ??e?e ?o?set? (allegedly).

Staff at the Black Boy Public House confirmed that a bearded man did enter the establishment on the Tuesday night, ordered a warm beer and then disappeared into the Gents for the next twenty minutes.

The man who called himself ‘Steve’ ordered a further pint, six tuna fish sandwiches and nine bags of pork scratchings before leaving via the back door with the words “I gotta fly!”

Thames Valley Police despatched two officers to the scene last Friday but only found a corned beef tin and a Volvic bottle at the site which had been half drunk, seemingly with a can of Red Bull.

THE RYEISH & GRAZELEY BUYS LLOYDS TSB

The Ryeish and Grazeley Building Society confirmed on Thursday that it is taking over Lloyds TSB Halifax Northern Rock Royal Bank of Bradford & Bingley.

Following the collapse of the world’s worst run banks, building societies and investment mismanagers, the R&G has emerged as Britain’s second largest remaining building society with assets in excess of seven hundred pounds.

The Nationwide which is so backward it’s still reeling over the wonder material formica commented “what crisis” when interviewed by Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight last week.

UPSR YEAR OF THE COTTAGE PIE

Ingredients

For the meat

3 tbsp Olive oil

1 large onion, chopped

2 sticks Celery, finely chopped

2 Carrots, diced

3 garlic cloves, finely chopped

675g minced beef or Lamb

1 tbsp tomato puree

3-4 drops Worcestershire sauce

3-4 drops Tabasco sauce

175ml dry white or red wine

300ml beef or chicken stock

salt and fresh ground black pepper

For the topping

1.4kg Potatoes

50ml Milk

2 tbsp mature Cheddar cheese, grated

1 tbsp finely grated Parmesan

FAT CATS SHOULD BE SHOT

Once the dust has settled on the debris of all the shite banks, building societies and insurers who made crap loans to crap people and institutions (mainly Americans), let’s all join hands with the FBI and support the call for those guilty of world decay to be tried, found guilty, asset stripped and then imprisoned for the remainder of their snivelling fat cat lives.

AIG, Lehman Brothers, HBOS, Bradford & Bingley, Fat Fanny and Burger Mac can all hold their heads up high and claim to be the authors of this current world gloom. Any government found guilty of propping up any one of these incompetent arseholes should in turn be voted out of power.

The time has come for the people to say no to multi million dollar bonuses, fat cheques paid to fat bastards who only excel in one thing, being a parasite on the backs of people who are in no position to defend themselves.

Good riddance Bradford and Bingley – slither off and die in the free market you’ve buggered up – I hope all of your directors get prosecuted.

SHINFIELD (UPSR) RELIGION DECIDED

The UPSR recently tendered for a religion. We had four presentations and would like to thank G Mainwaring, B Singh, A Musharraf and D LaMar.

Three of the four did not meet the criteria of not having gone to war in the name of religion and therefore scored one out of twenty five in the compliance category.

One of the four scored five out of five under the credibility section and we are therefore pleased to announce that the official religion of the UPSR is Buddhism unless anyone knows of a Buddhist invasion anywhere; if you do, please let us know via thought transference during meditation.

FRANCE NUKES BRITAIN

The French Government announced plans this week for the enlargement of it’s nuclear industry which will effectively increase it’s power generation by 300% when complete but also appease the vocal French anti nuclear lobbyists by building the four new ‘Chernob 9 Mile II’ reactors miles away from the French public – in England.

By cleverly fooling the now defunct British Government into believing that the power stations would be built with the UK’s interest at heart (they’re French remember), EDF (the French government’s in-house nuclear outsourcing company) has been given the British nuclear industry and all the land around it for nothing – well, 12 billion which is les nuts de p to the French.

The French now control the UK’s water industry, the UK’s power industry, the UK’s waste industry, the UK’s croissant industry and the Argentinean corned beef/exocet exchange market.

Do not be surprised in the 2020s when in the semi finals of the world cup and England’s beating France 4-2, all the lights in England go out and the toilet won’t flush twenty one minutes before full time.

Citizens of the UPSR can rest assured that our Federation will be self sufficient in green energy by then and have our own water industry fed by underground springs.

RECYCLING IN THE UPSR

Due to the fact that the UPSR does not own or operate any landfill sites, we have decided to concentrate on recycling with an ultimate target of 71% by the end of 2010.

In order to achieve this ambitious goal we will be building an underground Materials Recycling Facility (MRF) somewhere. Being realistic we have factored in for 11% of non recyclable material which we will lose around Basingstoke where it won’t be noticed.

SPACE PROGRAM

The UPSR has been invited to join the Space Station Program by NASA and the ESA following the announcement that the ownership of EWASDFAVG or whatever (the place forecasting the weather on the Shinfield Road) is to be transferred to our Federation in November.

The UPSR Government held an Extraordinary General Cabinet Meeting at the Royal Oak on Tuesday and after five pints decided to fund our own space program instead starting with a mission to the moon to see if anyone else has been there.

On Thursday we agreed terms with Rokski Blistov AG, the leading Russian rocket launcher manufacturer and TATA Cars who will be building the crew cabin and TBTLOTM 2 (The Bit That Lands On The Moon 2).

The creators of Beagle II have already been in touch asking if they can help but based on their past missions we told them to f’off.

The Shinstar Laurels Plant Centre Obiter is scheduled for launch on February 28th 2029 from Kiev. During the mission our Upsoranauts will peg out an area and stake our claim (thank you B&Q) and erect an Orange Mobile telephone mast to improve the network coverage in Shinfield.

2012 OLYMPIC CYCLING

Reading’s Velodrome for the 2012 Olympics will start taking shape in February 2009, the main contract having been awarded to Laing O’Dork Groundworks (Tadley) Limited.

Unique in the world of competition cycling the track will be a street circuit, doubling up as the Mereoak roundabout between competitions.

“The cyclists won’t be able to go as fast without the banking and we’ll be using more tarmac than wood, but once they’ve crossed the finish line (boxed section) the athletes will be able to take the next exit and be back at the Athletes Village in Old Basing within twenty minutes” Said Peter Brettzergovchzkloczvach.

GHETTO READING

Now that the shower of shit a.k.a. the Labour Party has successfully put mainland UK on an irreversible course toward Ghetto GB, the Federation is preparing extra border controls and camps where people trying to flee Ghetto GB can think hard prior to being repatriated to Theale.

The Shinfield Tribune attempted to contact Martin Salter’s office but he was still trying to save the Tilehurst Allotments and Ryeish Green School and therefore was unavailable for comment.

M4 BUGGER UP

News has surfaced this week that the contractors building the new motorway intersection at Junction 11 – Laing O’Dork have accidently connected up the wrong slip road to the Mereoak roundabout.

Drivers leaving the M4 travelling westbound will ultimately find themselves on the M4 travelling eastbound toward London. Head Architect Peter Brett commented that whilst some people wouldn’t notice until they arrived at Mr Cod in Cemetery Junction, other more attentive drivers may be tempted to reverse back to Junction 11.

President of the UPSR – Lenny Henry was unavailable for comment.

Reading Borough Council who ultimately rule the junction has taken the decision to leave the slip up in situ as it will alleviate traffic on the IDR which is what was intended from the start. Brewery, up, in a, couldn't.

TEAM UPSR PARALYTIC SQUAD

The UPSR Paralytic Team will be holding training sessions at the Black Boy on Tuesday nights – starting at 7.30 p.m. sharp.

Apple bobbing, darts, pool and shove ha’penny will all feature although contestants are warned that on the spot dope testing will be carried out to ensure that everyone has had at least five pints and/or a spliff (outside under shelter).

MINI HAGRID COLLIDER

The UPSR is pleased to announce the firing up of our MHC (Mini Hagrid Collider) at 7.30 a.m. this morning. The MHC has been co-developed with one hundred other Federations across Berkshire but we’re funding 67% of it – don’t quite know how that happened!

Capable of firing two mini tennis balls around a ‘Rotastak’ gerbil pipe in excess of one mile an hour, scientists working on the project hope to discover the meaning of life, the universe and whether a ‘green divot’ could be produced in a living room in Spencers Wood.

FLY TIPPERS HANGED

Two fly-tippers responsible for dumping household waste in Hyde End Lane last weekend have been detained by the UPSR Fly Squad. A hearing was held on Monday during which the two were found guilty and hanged, drawn and quartered with their four parts being scattered on dung heaps at the four corners of the UPSR.

It was our intention to place their heads on pikes at the new UPSR gates however Environmental Health Officers from Wokingham Borough Council confirmed that this would be a breach of hygiene regulations – shame.

UPSR TENDER FOR RELIGION

The UPSR is tendering for a religion. If you would like your religion to be considered, please email us your religion’s details and we in turn will send you one of our Evolution Evaluation Questionnaires.

We may eventually decide on one or more religions, choose a secular standing or even become Quakers. Agnostic Groups (if there is such a thing) may also apply as can Pagans and Ron L Hubbard.

Any religion who has ever gone to war in the name of God need not apply as we simply can’t afford the weaponry.

The award criteria will be based upon 40% value for money (the UPSR takes 40% of all donations (a bit like Carluccio’s Caffes do to their waitresses) - 25% style of clothing – 30% size worldwide and 5% credibility.

FRUIT AND VEG

NOTICE OF TENDER

The UPSR has tendered for the supply of “Provisions supplier to the UPSR Federation” post devolution from mainland UK (anticipated to come into effect on 15th April 2011).

Our Tender under EUJC Regulations necessitates the inclusion of five companies, those being Harrods, Morrisons, Selfridges, Waitrose and Marks & Spencer and includes the condition that food would have to be air-dropped daily in the unlikely event of a war with the United Kingdom.

The partner chosen for this venture will benefit from a choice location (sorry Dobbies) and the loyalty of all residents as long as the prices are competitive, they give out a free ‘Bag for Life’ carrier and the quality is as good as M&S. The Winning bid will be announced in December 2008.

LENNY HENRY ELECTED PRESIDENT

The Shinfield Tribune is delighted to announce that the genius comedian and writer Lenny Henry has been duly elected President of the UPSR.

President Len was the clear winner of the recent ballot held at the Bell & Bottle to elect someone who has experience in public speaking, is a known television celebrity and lives in Shinfield.

The Committee was especially persuaded by the size of Lenny and Dawn’s Dacha – ideal for the proposed oil production platforms drilling for South Shinfield Crude and gas which will eventually enable the UPSR to be self sufficient from mainland UK.

A source commented that a friend of a friend of someone who knows Dawn French was heard saying that the couple were ‘not very keen’ on the idea of the UPSR Cavalry being based at their house although the promise of unlimited amounts of manure seemed to warm them to the concept of billeting six hundred horses and five hundred and seven smaller than average soldiers in their grounds.

News earlier in the week that UPSR Armed Forces were amassing on the Devon border in response to allegations that President Len had been abducted at night and flown there by the DIA have no factual grounds however UPSRAF Air Marshall Anthony Pollock confirmed that one of our ‘Crunchie Wing Walking Fighter Bombers’ (donated by Cadbury’s Chocolate – a glass and a half in each bar) did ‘do a reccie’.

NATO NEEDS SHINFIELD

Following breaking news first released on this website, of our possession of an intercontinental ballistic missile, we have received a text message from someone calling himself Banksy Moon claiming to be Secretary General of the United Nations, asking us if we’d consider joining his council - not another one!

The UPSRSP(D)C, United Parishes of South Reading Strategic Planning (Defence) Committee met last night in a secret location codenamed ‘le garcon noir’ and formulated a ten point plan, then scrapped it and tossed a coin – best of three won.

The Shinfield Tribune is delighted to announce that we have decided to join NATO and the United Nations however we have added a few caveats of our own to the conditions of membership:-

01. We will never send ‘Peace Keepers’ to any country who’s name has a ‘k’, a ‘y’ or an ‘o’ in it or starts or ends with a vowel.

02. We will never send ‘Peace Keepers’ to countries with more sand than us.

03. We will never send ‘Peace Keepers’ to countries where you can’t get a good kebab on a Friday night and Scrumpy Jack in 500ml cans (chilled).

04. In the event that we do mobilise ‘Peace Keepers’ they will never wear that awful light blue only practicable as camouflage should we find ourselves taking cover in a massive pile of duck eggs.

05. We will be pointing our ICBM at France until we learn how to steer it properly – no offence is intended to the frogs.

On another note, we also received another email from some bloke called McCain which was sent to the SPAM folder. If you are Mr J McCain please stop pestering us, we don’t eat frozen home fries – get a life.

UPSR BORDER AGENCY

Further to recent consultation on this site, the thirty foot high, crenellated and gated Shinfield Wall has been given the go-ahead by the UPSR Committee subject to planning approval by Wokingham Borough Council which is expected next month.

The UPSR Border Agency will be drawing up the exact course of the wall over the next three months taking into account existing parish boundaries, border disputes, where the shops are and the desires of the people within the parishes.

If you are a neighbouring parish to the USPR and would like to be considered as a potential member and therefore within the finished wall and under the protection of the UPSR Armed Forces (including an ice breaker in Finland), please write to Jon @ The Shinfield Tribune.

(People on the other side of the M4 need not apply as you’re not really in Shinfield)

The Agency is also looking into the issue of a UPSR biometric passport or certificate of belonging to be issued upon request to inhabitants of the federation.

Issue will be dependant upon the applicant passing a written test on the works of Mary Russell Mitford and POW Camp 88.

FIREARMS ENQUIRY

Thames Valley Police is allegedly investigating why the people responsible for allegedly converting replica and de-activated firearms into useable weapons didn’t test fire them on the boat a few doors up the road.

Police sources commented "shooting up the Basingstoke Road boat would have seemed an obvious thing to do; these people are professionals".

WHAT'S NEW

A big thank you to everyone who responded to our ‘call-up to arms’ last week. We received a total of ninety seven emails from which we have now recruited an additional seven new service members ranging from silver service dining specialists to solicitors.

We now have three new Field Marshals, a new Sergeant Major, a new Staff Sergeant, loads of regiment members, three Centurion Battle Tanks, a North Atlantic ice breaker, nine triple AAA gun emplacements with two thousand shells apiece, a ‘Peace Keeper’ intercontinental Ballistic Missile, four biplanes (thank you Cadbury’s Chocolate), a submarine armed with eight Spearfish 1850kg torpedoes, a promise of one hundred and twenty six tanks due in October as soon as the paperwork can be sorted with the Georgian Government and a big tent capable of sleeping thirty chinese.

SHINFIELD – THE TRAVELLERS ISSUE

At a recent UPSR meeting, the issue of a permanent site for *‘gypsies’ prompted a fractious debate amongst those present.

Concerns including petty crime, fly-tipping, anti-social behaviour and drunkenness were quelled by Chairman Tony Butoques who assured the *‘gypsies’ they had no more to fear in Reading compared to anywhere else, “especially Portsmouth where people get mugged on the way back from robberies”.

When put to the vote, the committee unanimously nominated one site most suitable for the *‘gypsies’ with good access to a main road and the Pack Saddle Public House in walking distance. The Chairman hoped that the people in Chazey Heath would not prove to be a bunch of nimbys.

*The caravaners around Reading are unique, proud people who should be cherished as an endangered race. 98.6% of the world’s ‘gypsies’ are descendants of the ‘Romany’ people originating from Eire circa 1,000 BC. Reading’s colony originate from the ‘Staymany’ people who are first found in the history books coming out of Colesius Parcus circa 499 AD.

M4 JUNCTION 11

No-one can have failed to notice the great progress of the new M4 junction 11 exit ramps in preparation for the 2012 Olympic Games in which Reading’s IDR has been selected to stage all of the Queuing events.

Team GB have been practicing on Reading’s IDR since November 2006 after Jason Button achieved his PB of 38 minutes 45 seconds to get from Reading Gate to the Swallowfield By-Pass.

The Team GB Queuing Squad is ranked second in the world after the Indian team training in Delhi.

Team Coach, Jonathan Smith commented that this was a sport the Eastern Europeans didn’t understand and confirmed his hopes for an Olympic Gold, or possibly silver if there’s someone in front of us.

FIRST GOLDEN BALLS AWARD

The Shinfield Tribune has decided to award a set of symbolic Golden Balls to the persons unknown, responsible for kicking a hole in and spray painting the dirty little trailer advertising illegal fly-tipping services at the Mereoak roundabout. Well done.

UPSR ARMY WANTS YOU

Does anybody own a tank, mine sweeper or fighter plane in 3MX, Spencer’s Wood, Ryeish Green, Shinfield or Grazeley Green?

The Shinfield Tribune in association with Wokingham Borough Council is looking to form a land army to defend the locality against people who vote Labour; answerable to the UPSR (United Parishes of South Reading).

Everyone with any military equipment is welcome to join as long as you live within the aforementioned territories. The better the equipment you bring to the army, the higher the rank you’ll be awarded.

Please address all enquiries to our usual email address for the attention of Sergeant Major Marc Burns who brings a pair of smoke damaged WWII binoculars, three camouflaged hats, a Polish Infantry parker and a Diana SP50 gat gun to the UPSR Army.

Full training will be given including hand to hand combat, setting up road blocks and how to cook a really nice chilli con carne for ten people in the open.

JUSTICE FOR ALL

CHINA – GIVE IT A BREAK

Isn’t it about time the western world let China showcase and enjoy it’s positive aspects in it’s Olympic moment?

China has never dropped an atomic bomb on anybody, it’s not part of the occupation army in Iraq, it doesn’t have a Guantanimo and per capita it pollutes far less than the United States of America.

It’s human rights abuses at home and in Tibet via the puppet government are appalling and unacceptable in a modern world and must be stopped; Rome wasn’t built in a day.

China has taken giant steps over recent years to be more open; it’s not there yet by our morally superior standards but it’s moving in the right direction and now it’s saying when you’re living in a perfect west, feel free to tell us we’re not a perfect east.

Chinese are proud all over the world of their country’s Olympics without being incited by the Government. Punching them in the face at every opportunity will only make the possibility of it shutting up shop again after the Olympics more likely.

When a young child has done something wrong, do you scold and embarrass him every time you see him for the rest of his life?

WOKINGHAM TORIES DON'T WANT POWER

What with Labour busily converting Britain into a third rate has been state where the foreign criminals and lazy people benefit over the working, honest majority, you’d think that the Tories would be keen to support the people; or do they really want anything but a win in the next election?

Whoever replaces Gordon could probably boast the world’s worst job, initially digging UK plc out of the brown stuff so the Tories wanting no victory can be understood which is, I assume, why Anthony Pillock hasn’t answered our plea for help.

Vote no to Croft Road being a permanent one-way.

HORSES NOT ABOVE THE LAW

I drove along the one way Croft Road this morning and had to break suddenly for a load of people on horses approaching from the wrong way. Amongst their group were children who were obviously taking advice from the leaders.

What kind of advice were the people responsible for this trek giving to their pupils? It’s OK to travel in the opposite the direction of one-way traffic?

It’s not – It’s illegal and will end in a prosecution against the horse rider – dead or alive in the event of an accident.

SPEED KILLS IN CROFT ROAD

DITCH - THREE MILE CROSS

Over recent days Balfour Beatty contractors have been de-sludging the ditches in Church Lane. From the amount of sludge piled upon the verges, they’re obviously experienced in the task and have demonstrated how ditch management is no ‘big-issue’.

I assume that someone is going to remove the sludge from the verges before rain washes it back into the ditches it’s been removed from or onto the road which drains into the ditches it’s been removed from, or hasn’t WBC considered this scenario?

Through trial and error I have found alternatives to Croft Road and now happily avoid the place. I no longer go near the Farrier’s Arms or Hop Inn, but life goes on.

I suppose what I’m really saying is that I felt I no longer cared whether Croft Road was one-way or part of the IDR; but then I pulled myself together and thought about why I started this spectacularly supported campaign.

It’s all about choice and if the people who live in Croft Road all want it one-way then who am I to go against their choice?

Do all the folk in Croft Road want it one-way?

THIS CAMPAIGN

Over the last couple of weeks I have received a number of emails concerning the newsletter and the content of this site. Rather than replying directly to the senders I have chosen to answer the points raised here.

The item concerning dog walkers, old people and retired people was written tongue in cheek and was an attempt to get some kind of response. It did, and I apologise for any annoyance I have caused to dog walkers, old people and retired people alike.

I have replaced the ‘who benefits from one way’ comments with the obvious – Wokingham Borough Council benefit from the adoption of one way as it means they can spend even less money on the roads.

No I do not live in Croft Road but I do not agree that this makes me selfish. The people who own houses there must have bought in the knowledge of it being a two way so my opinion is no less valid.

Vote on this site – it’s the closest you’ll get to democracy with WBC.

LITTLE WALLOP

Alex James, ex guitarist with Blur is now as famous for being a cheese producer. His initial product conceived with Juliet Harbutt and made by Peter Humphries of White Lake Cheese is available by mail order from Paxton & Whitfield.

Little Wallop was among 868 British cheeses entered in the British Cheese Awards and on 20th July 2006 it won a SILVER medal.

Little Wallop 115g
Made by Peter Humphries of White Lake Cheese
Region of production West Country, England
£ 6.95 UK + delivery/shipping: 1-2 working days

T: 01451 823460
W: www.paxtonandwhitfield.co.uk

JUNCTION 11 - L’ARC DE TRIOMPHE

Not wanting this venture to be just a one cause whinge site; let’s make it a two cause whinge site. Is it me or is junction 11 getting more akin to l’Arc de Triomphe when trying to get home of an evening?

It seems that from the approach roads adjacent to the old Lttle Chef and Reading’s International Business Park, the task of getting over the motorway roundabout now, more than ever involves traversing a lawless void which at times can be nothing short of depressing.

In days gone by it was almost a pleasure tackling the incompetently painted and lined Black Boy roundabout but as we know this has been temporarily taken from us. Two problems – one two way solution – please vote no to the permanent one-way campaign.

BERKSHIRE 4x4 MOTOR SHOW

The Berkshire 4x4 Motor Show is pleased to announce that on Sunday 17th August there will be a fly past of the very latest air ambulance operated by the Thames Valley & Chiltern Air Ambulance Trust.

Sunday 17th August 2008 – don’t miss it.

Telephone Steph on 01189 833 014 or alternatively email by clicking here or visit the website for details here.

HORSE RIDERS BEWARE

We are surprised and disappointed that the yes activists should be taking this permanent 'one-way' stance here in Spencers Wood. Being a rural area there are horses all around and actually in a field off Croft Road itself.

Pushing for this scheme means that the horse riders would have to ‘do the round trip’ along with everyone else – more time on the roads, more risk of accidents etc etc.

THE LAW

When riding on the road you should keep to the left keep both hands on the reins unless you are signalling keep both feet in the stirrups

not carry another person

not carry anything which might affect your balance or get tangled up with the reins

keep a horse you are leading to your left

move in the direction of the traffic flow in a one-way street

never ride more than two abreast, and ride in single file on narrow or busy roads and when riding round bends

The say No campaign calls upon all horse riders and owners to support our campaign to keep two-way traffic in Croft Road.

SWALLOWFIELD SHOW

Swallowfield Show 2008

Sunday & Monday - August 24th & 25th
Organised by Swallowfield Horticultural Society

Taste the atmosphere. The Swallowfield Show is now in its 124th year. Organised completely by volunteers, it has grown and blossomed over the years.
Grannies, granddads, mums, dads and children visit the show from all over the south of England.

Swallowfield is one of the remaining, flourishing, traditional shows still exhibiting horticulture, floral art, art, craft, cookery and photography.

Contact the organisers for details here or visit the show's extenisive website here.
copyright (photograph) John Redwood: http://www.flickr.com/photos/johnredwood/

WE NEED YOUR HELP

Over the next three weeks, we will be distributing our Newsletter giving you the opportunity to vote for a two-way Croft Road as part of a united campaign; should you not want to do it yourself.

THERE'S ONLY TWO WAYS TO SOLVE THIS!

WHO DO YOU TELL?

We’re lucky in Spencers Wood, Three Mile Cross and Shinfield to have some great Councillors that are only too willing to listen and lend their support to a campaign that means more than protecting the interests of a minority.

The say NO campaign asks you to contact the people who can make your voice heard in the corridors of power:-

To register your opposition to the permanent one-way in Croft Road, please contact the council directly on this link or one of the Councillors below by clicking upon their name or giving them a call on the blower.

Barrie Patman
Conservative
0118 988 3270
barrie.patman@wokingham.gov.uk

Anthony Pollock
Conservative
0118 988 7110
anthony.pollock@anthonypollock.co.uk

Malcolm Bryant
Conservative
0118 975 5570

LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES

Life really is like a box of chocolates in the case of pulling out of your drive or taking a short cut; it’s about having a choice.

If the yes campaign folk get their way, driving to pick up a bag of compost from Dobbies would, as it does now, mean a permanent twenty five minute round trip.

If you’ve got to ‘do the round trip’ every time you want a bulb from Dobbies you might as well go to B&Q.

Dobbies benefits from Croft Road being a two way connection and the NO campaign calls upon Tesco Stores plc and Dobbies for their support.