NATO NEEDS SHINFIELD

Following breaking news first released on this website, of our possession of an intercontinental ballistic missile, we have received a text message from someone calling himself Banksy Moon claiming to be Secretary General of the United Nations, asking us if we’d consider joining his council - not another one!

The UPSRSP(D)C, United Parishes of South Reading Strategic Planning (Defence) Committee met last night in a secret location codenamed ‘le garcon noir’ and formulated a ten point plan, then scrapped it and tossed a coin – best of three won.

The Shinfield Tribune is delighted to announce that we have decided to join NATO and the United Nations however we have added a few caveats of our own to the conditions of membership:-

01. We will never send ‘Peace Keepers’ to any country who’s name has a ‘k’, a ‘y’ or an ‘o’ in it or starts or ends with a vowel.

02. We will never send ‘Peace Keepers’ to countries with more sand than us.

03. We will never send ‘Peace Keepers’ to countries where you can’t get a good kebab on a Friday night and Scrumpy Jack in 500ml cans (chilled).

04. In the event that we do mobilise ‘Peace Keepers’ they will never wear that awful light blue only practicable as camouflage should we find ourselves taking cover in a massive pile of duck eggs.

05. We will be pointing our ICBM at France until we learn how to steer it properly – no offence is intended to the frogs.

On another note, we also received another email from some bloke called McCain which was sent to the SPAM folder. If you are Mr J McCain please stop pestering us, we don’t eat frozen home fries – get a life.