Once the dust has settled on the debris of all the shite banks, building societies and insurers who made crap loans to crap people and institutions (mainly Americans), let’s all join hands with the FBI and support the call for those guilty of world decay to be tried, found guilty, asset stripped and then imprisoned for the remainder of their snivelling fat cat lives.
AIG, Lehman Brothers, HBOS, Bradford & Bingley, Fat Fanny and Burger Mac can all hold their heads up high and claim to be the authors of this current world gloom. Any government found guilty of propping up any one of these incompetent arseholes should in turn be voted out of power.
The time has come for the people to say no to multi million dollar bonuses, fat cheques paid to fat bastards who only excel in one thing, being a parasite on the backs of people who are in no position to defend themselves.
Good riddance Bradford and Bingley – slither off and die in the free market you’ve buggered up – I hope all of your directors get prosecuted.
The UPSR recently tendered for a religion. We had four presentations and would like to thank G Mainwaring, B Singh, A Musharraf and D LaMar.
Three of the four did not meet the criteria of not having gone to war in the name of religion and therefore scored one out of twenty five in the compliance category.
One of the four scored five out of five under the credibility section and we are therefore pleased to announce that the official religion of the UPSR is Buddhism unless anyone knows of a Buddhist invasion anywhere; if you do, please let us know via thought transference during meditation.
The French Government announced plans this week for the enlargement of it’s nuclear industry which will effectively increase it’s power generation by 300% when complete but also appease the vocal French anti nuclear lobbyists by building the four new ‘Chernob 9 Mile II’ reactors miles away from the French public – in England.
By cleverly fooling the now defunct British Government into believing that the power stations would be built with the UK’s interest at heart (they’re French remember), EDF (the French government’s in-house nuclear outsourcing company) has been given the British nuclear industry and all the land around it for nothing – well, 12 billion which is les nuts de p to the French.
The French now control the UK’s water industry, the UK’s power industry, the UK’s waste industry, the UK’s croissant industry and the Argentinean corned beef/exocet exchange market.
Do not be surprised in the 2020s when in the semi finals of the world cup and England’s beating France 4-2, all the lights in England go out and the toilet won’t flush twenty one minutes before full time.
Citizens of the UPSR can rest assured that our Federation will be self sufficient in green energy by then and have our own water industry fed by underground springs.
Due to the fact that the UPSR does not own or operate any landfill sites, we have decided to concentrate on recycling with an ultimate target of 71% by the end of 2010.
In order to achieve this ambitious goal we will be building an underground Materials Recycling Facility (MRF) somewhere. Being realistic we have factored in for 11% of non recyclable material which we will lose around Basingstoke where it won’t be noticed.
The UPSR has been invited to join the Space Station Program by NASA and the ESA following the announcement that the ownership of EWASDFAVG or whatever (the place forecasting the weather on the Shinfield Road) is to be transferred to our Federation in November.
The UPSR Government held an Extraordinary General Cabinet Meeting at the Royal Oak on Tuesday and after five pints decided to fund our own space program instead starting with a mission to the moon to see if anyone else has been there.
On Thursday we agreed terms with Rokski Blistov AG, the leading Russian rocket launcher manufacturer and TATA Cars who will be building the crew cabin and TBTLOTM 2 (The Bit That Lands On The Moon 2).
The creators of Beagle II have already been in touch asking if they can help but based on their past missions we told them to f’off.
The Shinstar Laurels Plant Centre Obiter is scheduled for launch on February 28th 2029 from Kiev. During the mission our Upsoranauts will peg out an area and stake our claim (thank you B&Q) and erect an Orange Mobile telephone mast to improve the network coverage in Shinfield.
Reading’s Velodrome for the 2012 Olympics will start taking shape in February 2009, the main contract having been awarded to Laing O’Dork Groundworks (Tadley) Limited.
Unique in the world of competition cycling the track will be a street circuit, doubling up as the Mereoak roundabout between competitions.
“The cyclists won’t be able to go as fast without the banking and we’ll be using more tarmac than wood, but once they’ve crossed the finish line (boxed section) the athletes will be able to take the next exit and be back at the Athletes Village in Old Basing within twenty minutes” Said Peter Brettzergovchzkloczvach.
Now that the shower of shit a.k.a. the Labour Party has successfully put mainland UK on an irreversible course toward Ghetto GB, the Federation is preparing extra border controls and camps where people trying to flee Ghetto GB can think hard prior to being repatriated to Theale.
The Shinfield Tribune attempted to contact Martin Salter’s office but he was still trying to save the Tilehurst Allotments and Ryeish Green School and therefore was unavailable for comment.
News has surfaced this week that the contractors building the new motorway intersection at Junction 11 – Laing O’Dork have accidently connected up the wrong slip road to the Mereoak roundabout.
Drivers leaving the M4 travelling westbound will ultimately find themselves on the M4 travelling eastbound toward London. Head Architect Peter Brett commented that whilst some people wouldn’t notice until they arrived at Mr Cod in Cemetery Junction, other more attentive drivers may be tempted to reverse back to Junction 11.
President of the UPSR – Lenny Henry was unavailable for comment.Reading Borough Council who ultimately rule the junction has taken the decision to leave the slip up in situ as it will alleviate traffic on the IDR which is what was intended from the start. Brewery, up, in a, couldn't.
The UPSR Paralytic Team will be holding training sessions at the Black Boy on Tuesday nights – starting at 7.30 p.m. sharp.
Apple bobbing, darts, pool and shove ha’penny will all feature although contestants are warned that on the spot dope testing will be carried out to ensure that everyone has had at least five pints and/or a spliff (outside under shelter).
The UPSR is pleased to announce the firing up of our MHC (Mini Hagrid Collider) at 7.30 a.m. this morning. The MHC has been co-developed with one hundred other Federations across Berkshire but we’re funding 67% of it – don’t quite know how that happened!
Capable of firing two mini tennis balls around a ‘Rotastak’ gerbil pipe in excess of one mile an hour, scientists working on the project hope to discover the meaning of life, the universe and whether a ‘green divot’ could be produced in a living room in Spencers Wood.
Two fly-tippers responsible for dumping household waste in Hyde End Lane last weekend have been detained by the UPSR Fly Squad. A hearing was held on Monday during which the two were found guilty and hanged, drawn and quartered with their four parts being scattered on dung heaps at the four corners of the UPSR.
It was our intention to place their heads on pikes at the new UPSR gates however Environmental Health Officers from Wokingham Borough Council confirmed that this would be a breach of hygiene regulations – shame.
The UPSR is tendering for a religion. If you would like your religion to be considered, please email us your religion’s details and we in turn will send you one of our Evolution Evaluation Questionnaires.
We may eventually decide on one or more religions, choose a secular standing or even become Quakers. Agnostic Groups (if there is such a thing) may also apply as can Pagans and Ron L Hubbard.
Any religion who has ever gone to war in the name of God need not apply as we simply can’t afford the weaponry.
The award criteria will be based upon 40% value for money (the UPSR takes 40% of all donations (a bit like Carluccio’s Caffes do to their waitresses) - 25% style of clothing – 30% size worldwide and 5% credibility.
Once the dust has settled on the debris of all the shite banks, building societies and insurers who made crap loans to crap people and institutions (mainly Americans), let’s all join hands with the FBI and support the call for those guilty of world decay to be tried, found guilty, asset stripped and then imprisoned for the remainder of their snivelling fat cat lives.
Posts
