THE SHINFIELD TRIBUNE: October 2008

Saturday 25 October 2008

BBC STEPS UP URGE TO COMMIT SUICIDE

It’s an economic upturn, credit rich world in the UPSR. No credit problems here, so bugger off BBC News.

The BBC has re-doubled it’s efforts this week to motivate vulnerable members of the British population to commit suicide with it’s repetitive insertion of words and phrases such as credit crunch, recession, down-turn, housing market collapse, unemployment, redundancy, did we say credit crunch, negative equity, shrinking economy, did we say credit crunch, and depression into their news bulletins.

The BBC is currently working in conjunction with the mainland UK government to reduce the unemployment figures as part of it’s licence commitments.

DECEMBER ILLUMINATIONS

The UPSR will be lighting more bulbs than usual around December 25th 2008 seemingly in an attempt to annoy people.

We are still working out what to call them in order to offend the maximum amount of folk and have come up with ‘Christmas Lights’.

If you can think of anything more offensive to anyone for any reason please let us know.

UNITED AIRLINES CALLS SHINFIELD (ALLEGEDLY)

UPSR Radio Free Shinfield (allegedly) received an unexpected radio transmission from a United Airlines 777 pilot (allegedly) on Sunday (allegedly) requesting permission to land on Cutbush Lane (allegedly).

Fortunately the technician receiving the call was familiar with pissed up airline pilots (allegedly) who he told to turn right at the Black Boy (allegedly) and follow the M4 for seven junctions where he’d find an airport (really).

BARACK OBAMA – THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR

The Government of the UPSR would like to offer a hand of friendship to the new President of the United States of America, Barack Obama.

Despite concerns that he is a little melanin challenged to be voted in by a predominantly red necked, white faced mid western workforce, Barack has our vote and we hope he enjoys our gift of a copy of ‘Our Village’ by Mary Mitford, a small plastic statue of Arthur Wellesley and a For Sale property spec pertaining to Fourwinds.

Sunday 19 October 2008

NO ESKIMO ACCOUNTS HELD BY UPSR

The UPSR Government has released a statement to the media confirming it had no money languishing in high risk polar bear killers banks.

The failed mainland UK Labour government has confirmed that all monkey councils that have lost shit loads of Tax Payers money in Inuit banks and did so after taking expert financial advice, will be given loads more Tax Payers money to reline their slush funds.

Tax Payers who have lost their own money in high riskii shark eaters banks regardless of whether they took any advice or not, will not be compensated.

Tax Payers who did not have sufficient surplus capital to put into high risk Eskimo banks or who did and took expert financial advise telling them to avoid dodgy Inuit bankers but have nevertheless had their money given to the local councils who did, will be fined should they miss a Council Tax payment as usual.

FREE SHINFILED RADIO – 85.8 FM – DAB FOUR

Maggie ‘The top of Coombe Gibbet’ Philnips will be supplying travel news every morning on the ‘Wacky Breakfast with Wolfie Show’ from Monday 20.10.2008. Real time reports on the Basingstoke Road queue, the Black Boy roundabout queue, the Swallowfield bypass queue and the McDonalds Reading Retail Park drive-thru queue will be broadcast every seven minutes.

So if you see an odd shape coming towards you and hear a constant drone, look up and wave to our unmanned flying eye trafficam ‘The Mitford Messhersmidt sponsored by N H Jackson Property Maintenance where estimates and advice are given free.

Later in the day we’ll be introducing a host of new interactive shows including needlework master class with Beryl ‘bobbin’ Steedman, Britain’s best views with Neil, the live mime workshop with wookie, the google map hour and spotting wildlife with Roger ‘eye-eye’ Reeves.

THE USELESS BEATLE SPEAKS

The lucky useless one from the Beatles has spoken - piss off, peace and love, peace and love, Ring-piece Starr hates fans and has threatened the sad losers whom still mistakenly think he ever had any talent with peace and love not to send him anything or try to contact him ever again.

Ring-piece Starr has complained that answering the current flow of mail is taking more than three minutes a day which is time he could be spending recording another Oxfam charity shop dump basket classic – that’s easily accomplished – go to the real Beatles’ drummer site.

Sunday 12 October 2008

BRITAIN IS NOW FRENCH

Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey company Electricité de France currently sponsors the English rugby team. Is this an ironic joke by EDF or by the English Rugby Team?

English Water Companies – owned by the French (see Churchill’s speeches)
English Electricity Companies – owned by the French
English Waste Management – run by the French
English Rugby Team – funded by the French
English Nuclear Industry – owned by the French
English Cinemas – I think they’re French too

Soon we’ll be getting our utility bills written in French with a note – learn it fast roast beef – it’s the new world language – fortunately I speak, write and read French tres bon but that’s neither ici nor there.

I was saying to my wife Marie Claire last night over a croque monsieur that enough’s enough; where will it all finis I wonder?

BAILING OUT BRITAIN

The Government of the UPSR were called to 10 Downing Street on the mainland this week for a meeting with ex Prime Minister in waiting Gordon Braun to discuss the credit crunch.

Gordon Braun asked the UPSR for assurances of a financial bail-out when Britain is declared bankrupt w/c 20.10.2008 following the collapse of the world pencil market on Wednesday in which Britain controls more then 2.7 per cent.

The UPSR Government is in disagreement with the mainland’s view that the pencil manufacturing industry should be sold to Santander for 89 pence along with the UK’s financial sector.

The Russians have complained to the United Nations that the rest of the world is now more socialist than they are and it was their idea first.

BRITAIN’S MUGGERS CALL FOR HELP

Britain’s footpads have en mass called for extra Income Support from the DWP blaming the credit crunch as the reason for their hardships.

“With people having less money in their trackies (clothing item similar to track suit bottoms worn by sports-people), we is (are) earning nothing like (the amount) what (that) we used to” said spokesperson Tyler ‘Mac’ D Snuggie Danger (Sebastian Wilkins). “To get the same amount of dosh we (have) got to do (mug) more public (members of the) which in macro economic (Bacardi Breezer money) terms means we is (are) on less per man hour than in oh six (2008)”.

The Benefits Agency has responded to Government calls for parity in defining footpads as being ‘in ‘trick’ poverty’ and victims of the credit crunch through no fault of their own and have backed proposals to guarantee the Suspended Sentence if caught in the act of work (mugging someone) (unless death of victim follows within one year and a day) and agreed to the idea of raising Income Support by 40% for all footpads, highwaypersons and dealers claiming Unemployment Benefit.

“A lot of these poor people, a few of whom were born in this country have no choice but to subsidise their meagre incomes by dealing in skunk, brown and crystal meth and no-one should be forced by society to do that” commented Mrs Sky Igancious-Kosslerovich of the criminal rights and protection group ‘Criminals are the Real Victims’.

“We live in a caring country and PARs (Personal Asset Relievers (muggers)) have the same rights and access to British benefits as anyone else”.

Sunday 5 October 2008

AVIATOR LANDED IN SHINFIELD (POSSIBLY)

The Shinfield Tribune can reveal that a rambler walking his dog on Brookers Hill two weeks ago last Wednesday discovered fourteen million Dollars, five billion Krona, eleven million Euros, seven Irish Punt, an empty corned beef tin, a map of the Sahara desert, a Virgin Atlantic First Class ticket to London, a Volvic bottle full of urine, a pair of Rayban Aviators, an empty jerry can, a deployed parachute and a badly damaged Mastercard in the name of ??e?e ?o?set? (allegedly).

Staff at the Black Boy Public House confirmed that a bearded man did enter the establishment on the Tuesday night, ordered a warm beer and then disappeared into the Gents for the next twenty minutes.

The man who called himself ‘Steve’ ordered a further pint, six tuna fish sandwiches and nine bags of pork scratchings before leaving via the back door with the words “I gotta fly!”

Thames Valley Police despatched two officers to the scene last Friday but only found a corned beef tin and a Volvic bottle at the site which had been half drunk, seemingly with a can of Red Bull.

THE RYEISH & GRAZELEY BUYS LLOYDS TSB

The Ryeish and Grazeley Building Society confirmed on Thursday that it is taking over Lloyds TSB Halifax Northern Rock Royal Bank of Bradford & Bingley.

Following the collapse of the world’s worst run banks, building societies and investment mismanagers, the R&G has emerged as Britain’s second largest remaining building society with assets in excess of seven hundred pounds.

The Nationwide which is so backward it’s still reeling over the wonder material formica commented “what crisis” when interviewed by Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight last week.