FRUIT AND VEG

NOTICE OF TENDER

The UPSR has tendered for the supply of “Provisions supplier to the UPSR Federation” post devolution from mainland UK (anticipated to come into effect on 15th April 2011).

Our Tender under EUJC Regulations necessitates the inclusion of five companies, those being Harrods, Morrisons, Selfridges, Waitrose and Marks & Spencer and includes the condition that food would have to be air-dropped daily in the unlikely event of a war with the United Kingdom.

The partner chosen for this venture will benefit from a choice location (sorry Dobbies) and the loyalty of all residents as long as the prices are competitive, they give out a free ‘Bag for Life’ carrier and the quality is as good as M&S. The Winning bid will be announced in December 2008.

LENNY HENRY ELECTED PRESIDENT

The Shinfield Tribune is delighted to announce that the genius comedian and writer Lenny Henry has been duly elected President of the UPSR.

President Len was the clear winner of the recent ballot held at the Bell & Bottle to elect someone who has experience in public speaking, is a known television celebrity and lives in Shinfield.

The Committee was especially persuaded by the size of Lenny and Dawn’s Dacha – ideal for the proposed oil production platforms drilling for South Shinfield Crude and gas which will eventually enable the UPSR to be self sufficient from mainland UK.

A source commented that a friend of a friend of someone who knows Dawn French was heard saying that the couple were ‘not very keen’ on the idea of the UPSR Cavalry being based at their house although the promise of unlimited amounts of manure seemed to warm them to the concept of billeting six hundred horses and five hundred and seven smaller than average soldiers in their grounds.

News earlier in the week that UPSR Armed Forces were amassing on the Devon border in response to allegations that President Len had been abducted at night and flown there by the DIA have no factual grounds however UPSRAF Air Marshall Anthony Pollock confirmed that one of our ‘Crunchie Wing Walking Fighter Bombers’ (donated by Cadbury’s Chocolate – a glass and a half in each bar) did ‘do a reccie’.

NATO NEEDS SHINFIELD

Following breaking news first released on this website, of our possession of an intercontinental ballistic missile, we have received a text message from someone calling himself Banksy Moon claiming to be Secretary General of the United Nations, asking us if we’d consider joining his council - not another one!

The UPSRSP(D)C, United Parishes of South Reading Strategic Planning (Defence) Committee met last night in a secret location codenamed ‘le garcon noir’ and formulated a ten point plan, then scrapped it and tossed a coin – best of three won.

The Shinfield Tribune is delighted to announce that we have decided to join NATO and the United Nations however we have added a few caveats of our own to the conditions of membership:-

01. We will never send ‘Peace Keepers’ to any country who’s name has a ‘k’, a ‘y’ or an ‘o’ in it or starts or ends with a vowel.

02. We will never send ‘Peace Keepers’ to countries with more sand than us.

03. We will never send ‘Peace Keepers’ to countries where you can’t get a good kebab on a Friday night and Scrumpy Jack in 500ml cans (chilled).

04. In the event that we do mobilise ‘Peace Keepers’ they will never wear that awful light blue only practicable as camouflage should we find ourselves taking cover in a massive pile of duck eggs.

05. We will be pointing our ICBM at France until we learn how to steer it properly – no offence is intended to the frogs.

On another note, we also received another email from some bloke called McCain which was sent to the SPAM folder. If you are Mr J McCain please stop pestering us, we don’t eat frozen home fries – get a life.

UPSR BORDER AGENCY

Further to recent consultation on this site, the thirty foot high, crenellated and gated Shinfield Wall has been given the go-ahead by the UPSR Committee subject to planning approval by Wokingham Borough Council which is expected next month.

The UPSR Border Agency will be drawing up the exact course of the wall over the next three months taking into account existing parish boundaries, border disputes, where the shops are and the desires of the people within the parishes.

If you are a neighbouring parish to the USPR and would like to be considered as a potential member and therefore within the finished wall and under the protection of the UPSR Armed Forces (including an ice breaker in Finland), please write to Jon @ The Shinfield Tribune.

(People on the other side of the M4 need not apply as you’re not really in Shinfield)

The Agency is also looking into the issue of a UPSR biometric passport or certificate of belonging to be issued upon request to inhabitants of the federation.

Issue will be dependant upon the applicant passing a written test on the works of Mary Russell Mitford and POW Camp 88.

FIREARMS ENQUIRY

Thames Valley Police is allegedly investigating why the people responsible for allegedly converting replica and de-activated firearms into useable weapons didn’t test fire them on the boat a few doors up the road.

Police sources commented "shooting up the Basingstoke Road boat would have seemed an obvious thing to do; these people are professionals".

WHAT'S NEW

A big thank you to everyone who responded to our ‘call-up to arms’ last week. We received a total of ninety seven emails from which we have now recruited an additional seven new service members ranging from silver service dining specialists to solicitors.

We now have three new Field Marshals, a new Sergeant Major, a new Staff Sergeant, loads of regiment members, three Centurion Battle Tanks, a North Atlantic ice breaker, nine triple AAA gun emplacements with two thousand shells apiece, a ‘Peace Keeper’ intercontinental Ballistic Missile, four biplanes (thank you Cadbury’s Chocolate), a submarine armed with eight Spearfish 1850kg torpedoes, a promise of one hundred and twenty six tanks due in October as soon as the paperwork can be sorted with the Georgian Government and a big tent capable of sleeping thirty chinese.

SHINFIELD – THE TRAVELLERS ISSUE

At a recent UPSR meeting, the issue of a permanent site for *‘gypsies’ prompted a fractious debate amongst those present.

Concerns including petty crime, fly-tipping, anti-social behaviour and drunkenness were quelled by Chairman Tony Butoques who assured the *‘gypsies’ they had no more to fear in Reading compared to anywhere else, “especially Portsmouth where people get mugged on the way back from robberies”.

When put to the vote, the committee unanimously nominated one site most suitable for the *‘gypsies’ with good access to a main road and the Pack Saddle Public House in walking distance. The Chairman hoped that the people in Chazey Heath would not prove to be a bunch of nimbys.

*The caravaners around Reading are unique, proud people who should be cherished as an endangered race. 98.6% of the world’s ‘gypsies’ are descendants of the ‘Romany’ people originating from Eire circa 1,000 BC. Reading’s colony originate from the ‘Staymany’ people who are first found in the history books coming out of Colesius Parcus circa 499 AD.

M4 JUNCTION 11

No-one can have failed to notice the great progress of the new M4 junction 11 exit ramps in preparation for the 2012 Olympic Games in which Reading’s IDR has been selected to stage all of the Queuing events.

Team GB have been practicing on Reading’s IDR since November 2006 after Jason Button achieved his PB of 38 minutes 45 seconds to get from Reading Gate to the Swallowfield By-Pass.

The Team GB Queuing Squad is ranked second in the world after the Indian team training in Delhi.

Team Coach, Jonathan Smith commented that this was a sport the Eastern Europeans didn’t understand and confirmed his hopes for an Olympic Gold, or possibly silver if there’s someone in front of us.

FIRST GOLDEN BALLS AWARD

The Shinfield Tribune has decided to award a set of symbolic Golden Balls to the persons unknown, responsible for kicking a hole in and spray painting the dirty little trailer advertising illegal fly-tipping services at the Mereoak roundabout. Well done.

UPSR ARMY WANTS YOU

Does anybody own a tank, mine sweeper or fighter plane in 3MX, Spencer’s Wood, Ryeish Green, Shinfield or Grazeley Green?

The Shinfield Tribune in association with Wokingham Borough Council is looking to form a land army to defend the locality against people who vote Labour; answerable to the UPSR (United Parishes of South Reading).

Everyone with any military equipment is welcome to join as long as you live within the aforementioned territories. The better the equipment you bring to the army, the higher the rank you’ll be awarded.

Please address all enquiries to our usual email address for the attention of Sergeant Major Marc Burns who brings a pair of smoke damaged WWII binoculars, three camouflaged hats, a Polish Infantry parker and a Diana SP50 gat gun to the UPSR Army.

Full training will be given including hand to hand combat, setting up road blocks and how to cook a really nice chilli con carne for ten people in the open.

JUSTICE FOR ALL

CHINA – GIVE IT A BREAK

Isn’t it about time the western world let China showcase and enjoy it’s positive aspects in it’s Olympic moment?

China has never dropped an atomic bomb on anybody, it’s not part of the occupation army in Iraq, it doesn’t have a Guantanimo and per capita it pollutes far less than the United States of America.

It’s human rights abuses at home and in Tibet via the puppet government are appalling and unacceptable in a modern world and must be stopped; Rome wasn’t built in a day.

China has taken giant steps over recent years to be more open; it’s not there yet by our morally superior standards but it’s moving in the right direction and now it’s saying when you’re living in a perfect west, feel free to tell us we’re not a perfect east.

Chinese are proud all over the world of their country’s Olympics without being incited by the Government. Punching them in the face at every opportunity will only make the possibility of it shutting up shop again after the Olympics more likely.

When a young child has done something wrong, do you scold and embarrass him every time you see him for the rest of his life?

WOKINGHAM TORIES DON'T WANT POWER

What with Labour busily converting Britain into a third rate has been state where the foreign criminals and lazy people benefit over the working, honest majority, you’d think that the Tories would be keen to support the people; or do they really want anything but a win in the next election?

Whoever replaces Gordon could probably boast the world’s worst job, initially digging UK plc out of the brown stuff so the Tories wanting no victory can be understood which is, I assume, why Anthony Pillock hasn’t answered our plea for help.

Vote no to Croft Road being a permanent one-way.

HORSES NOT ABOVE THE LAW

I drove along the one way Croft Road this morning and had to break suddenly for a load of people on horses approaching from the wrong way. Amongst their group were children who were obviously taking advice from the leaders.

What kind of advice were the people responsible for this trek giving to their pupils? It’s OK to travel in the opposite the direction of one-way traffic?

It’s not – It’s illegal and will end in a prosecution against the horse rider – dead or alive in the event of an accident.

SPEED KILLS IN CROFT ROAD